Is it okay to ban children from your wedding?

This is a question I see over and over again in wedding discussion groups. And the short answer to the question “is it okay to ban children from your wedding?” is: Yes! It’s your wedding day, your rules, your preferences, and so your day to do as you choose. It might not make for the most popular decision with some of your friends and family, but let’s face it, whatever you do you’re not going to please everyone, so go ahead and do what you want. And, in the current COVID-19 climate, when wedding guest numbers may be a critical factor for whether your wedding can go ahead, this may also be one way to keep numbers down.

Kids or No-Kids

Banning children from your wedding, doesn’t mean you don’t like them! So using the word “banned” on your invitations is probably not the best move. Make it clear that you are planning an adults-only event, and much though you love your guests’ little ones, this day is not for them. And it’s not negotiable.

By their very nature babies, toddlers and younger children are unpredictable, restless, loud, and have a tendency to be un-cooperative, especially at formal events which require a period of quietness and stillness. Let’s face it, they are still learning society’s rules of appropriate behaviour and it’s a huge ask to expect them to behave like adults.
A couple of things to think about if you’re going for an outright ban. While some of your friends and family members might enjoy the idea of attending a wedding without their own children, do bear in mind that you might alienate some good friends or family members who have children. There may be some people who cannot get childcare or who simply don’t want to leave their kids behind for an entire day, or longer. If you’re having a destination wedding, some links to a local babysitting service may be helpful for guests who can’t leave their children behind.

So you’ve got to weigh up which is more important to you, not having children present or potentially not having good friends and family with children present at all. I have also had weddings where most children have been banned except for new-born babies and a couple of nieces and nephews of the couple, or children who are part of the wedding ceremony, such as flower girls and page boys (or flower boys and page girls!). So sometimes, banning children doesn’t need to be an outright exclusion of all children, but just a reserved invitation for the children of your closest family and friends.

Giving kids the tick

Particularly when the couple getting married have young ones of their own, they may be very happy to go with the more relaxed vibe of a child-friendly wedding. You may have a big network of family and friends with children, and this is part and parcel of how you see your wedding. As long as you are happy to expect the unexpected, this can add a fun and relaxed vibe to your day.

Whatever you decide, there are pros and cons, but you have to go with what is right for you and not feel pressured to include children when you really don’t want to. If you feel that you have no choice but to have children present then think about what provisions and plans you can have in place to make it a smoother process. And don’t be afraid to have rules/guidelines in place to help parents to help you have a nicer wedding day experience that isn’t marred by bad or disruptive behaviour by children.

And if you do decide to say no to children, then go for it! It’s your day, you’re paying for it, you’re getting married, the end.

Thinking about eloping?

Last weekend I was the celebrant at an elopement. It was a perfect day, overlooking the sand and water at Buffalo Beach, Whitianga. The ceremony was short and simple but very heartfelt. My couple were so happy and excited to be making this commitment. It was every bit as special to me, and to them, as a big wedding with all the bells and whistles.

I see more and more couples who are electing to elope. Some will have a relaxed celebration with friends and family sometime after the event, and others will simply treasure the moment.

Brides, you can still have a beautiful dress, if that’s what you want. You can still choose a beautiful setting, and have a photographer record it all. The days of standing in a queue at the registry office are over (registry office weddings have now been outsourced to local celebrants, meaning they are much more personal and flexible).

So ... if you’re having a panic attack at the thought of a big fancy wedding ceremony ... If you’re stressed to the max about the cost of it all ... Hate being the centre of attention ... Have tricky family dynamics ... Are sweating over the guest list ... And/or worried that COVID-19 is going to ruin your best laid plans ... when all you want to do is Get Married! ...

... You can avoid most of the headaches and heartaches by simply eloping.

As a celebrant, I love elopements!

Whatever prompts a couple to get married in this way, it really is a very special way to celebrate your love, your twosome and your marriage.

Whether it’s the fact that a couple chooses to come by themselves (or with a handful of loved ones)... Or the fact that a couple have decided to focus on making the day just about them ... Or that they want to do one of life’s biggest moments in the smallest and most intimate way ... Or that they have made the brave decision to strip back their wedding day to its rawest essence ... there is something extra special about an elopement wedding.

Ten Wedding Ritual Ideas to include in your Ceremony

Rituals are an important part of a wedding ceremony, and the most common ritual in Western society is the exchanging of rings. A ring is a circle with no beginning or end, so it represents infinity and therefore the never-ending nature of the love you have for each other. However, there are many other rituals and traditions associated with the marriage ceremony. You may choose to include one of these instead of, or in addition to, the exchanging of rings. Some of these rituals are associated with different cultures and historical practices. A search of the Internet will bring up plenty of options. Here are some examples to get you started:

1. Unity Candle Ceremony:  On a table at the front of the ceremony two lit candles sit on either side of single unlit candle. At the end of the ceremony each of you picks up a lit candle, or uses those candles to light tapers, then light the central unlit candle together, symbolising your unity and oneness.

2. Sand Ceremony: You each hold a container of sand representing your individual lives. These individual containers of sand are then poured into a larger empty container symbolising the merging of your lives into one. The individual grains of sand can never again be separated from each other. Different coloured sands work really well for this ritual. If you are merging two family units, this can be a nice way of including the children––each child contributes their own container of sand, symbolising that you are all now part of one family. The filled container is kept as a memento of your commitment.

3. Blessing of the Hands: As you take each other’s hands, your celebrant or one of your guests reads a poem about what this means to you. A particularly lovely poem is Blessing of the Hands by Rev. Daniel L. Harris.

4. Handfasting (also known as Binding of the Hands): This ritual is Celtic in origin and was common in medieval Western Europe. It normally involves the loose tying of your right hands with a ribbon or cord and symbolises your coming together and remaining bound together.

5. Unity Wine Ceremony: The couple shares a cup of wine promising that they will share everything in their joint future. The sweetness of the wine symbolises that life will be sweeter for you because you will be spending it with your loved one and whatever bitterness exists in the wine will be less because it is shared.

6. Tree Planting Ritual: Planting a tree in the ground or pot is a symbol life, hope, growth and continuity. As each of the couple grows or changes, like the tree, you do so together and not separately.

7. Tying the Knot: Using large coloured cords, you tie a knot (a fisherman’s knot is best), while the celebrant  reads a commentary along the lines of ‘like this knot, marriage strengthens and supports the couple through life and, like the knot, their marriage grows stronger under pressure’.

8. Make a Time Capsule: Create a marriage time capsule that you open at a specified date in the future. Fill it will things, thoughts feeling that are important to you right now.

9. Red String of Fate: An East Asian tradition, whereby the gods tie a red cord around the ankles or little fingers of those who are to be bound together. The two people connected by the red thread are destined to be lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. 

10. Truce Bell: A bell is rung on the wedding day, the happiest day of the your lives and then placed in a central location in the home. The idea is, if you start to argue one of you rings the bell to remind you both of that wedding day happiness and mark a truce.

Till death (or ... ) us do part

 As a celebrant, I am a fan of the institution of marriage. I’ve been married nearly forty years myself, and I believe that marriage (in all its permutations) and the family unit that evolves from it, are fundamental to our society. But having said that, we all know that some marriages don’t make it for the long haul, for many different reasons.

Marriage has been around for thousands of years in various forms in different societies. Its primary purpose, originally, was to bind women to men in order to ensure the legitimacy of heirs and the continuation of the family and the tribe to which they belonged. The marriage ceremony has been an accepted part of the Christian sacrament since at least the Middle Ages. The traditional wedding vows–– to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us do part–––have changed very little since the 1500’s. Amazing!

In the Middle Ages the average life expectancy was around thirty years, and this was further reduced during the bouts of plague and other diseases that swept through England and Europe during this time, so when a couple promised to stay together until death us do part, it wasn’t such a big ask––fifteen to twenty years max, if they were lucky! However, in our modern first-world society, we can reasonably expect to live well into our eighties. If all goes well, death may be a very long time away from our wedding day. 

Is it realistic, then, to expect a marriage to last for the rest of our lives? I do believe the shared history, stability and companionship that come with a long marriage are worth the effort involved in forging through the worse, the poorer, the sickness, and whatever else life may throw at us along its way. But I also believe that a marriage that has ended shouldn’t necessarily be seen to be a failure, and that at different stages of one’s life it may be better to move on to another phase, with the opportunity to establish new relationships, while hopefully also accepting that our previous ones form a part of our personal history that we can still value and accept as being appropriate for that period of time.

Ways to include your kids in your wedding ceremony ...

Make your wedding day as special as possible by including your children in the ceremony.

If you and your partner already have kids together, or if this is your second marriage and there are children from a previous relationship, then it’s natural that you’d want them to be a part of your wedding ceremony. Ask your kids how they’d feel most comfortable taking part and find an age-appropriate way to include them. Here are a few ideas for including them in your ceremony. Whatever you decide, be relaxed about it, because on the day the kids may have different ideas, especially if they’re littlies!  But that’s all part of the fun.

1. Make them bridesmaids and groomsmen

There’s no rule that says your bridal party has to be all adults, so why not let your kids be bridesmaids or groomsmen? This idea works especially well if your children are too old to be flower girls or page boys.

2. Have them as your flower girl /page boy/ ring bearer

This is a great way to include younger children. The classic, kid-friendly roles of flower girl, page boy and ring bearer are simple, fun and always a crowd-pleaser. And the children will love the opportunity to dress up as part of the bridal party.

3. Include them in a Unity ceremony

If you’re having a unity candle, sand ceremony, tree planting or other ritual, this is the perfect chance to involve your kids. By getting married, you really are making one big family, or reaffirming the existing family, so it makes total sense to give them a special role. Let them help light the candle, include multiple sand colours, or come up with something totally new and creative that’s unique to you.

4. Give them a special gift

You can give them a special gift before the ceremony, or include it in your ceremony similar to the bride and groom exchanging rings. It may be a necklace, pendant, brooch, or even their own ring. It will be something they cherish forever, and a special time for you to express how much they mean to you and how excited you are to take on this new family role.

5. Mention them in your vows

Recognising your kids in the vows is an easy way to make them feel included and special. It’s also a way to remind them that you’re committing to being a family––the wedding is about all of you.

6. Have them walk you down the aisle

Whoever walks you down the aisle doesn’t have to be your dad or parents. Have one or all of your kids walk you to the altar to make your procession extra-meaningful. This works really well for older children.

7. Have them give a reading, poem, sing, or play an instrument

If your kids are happy to get up in front of people, or if they have a special talent, you could incorporate this into the ceremony. A simple heart-felt poem or reading is always special, or perhaps a musical solo while the documents are being signed. Giving your children a moment in the spotlight will be something they’ll always remember.

8. Make the most of the photo opportunity

If the kids are part of the ceremony, you’ll get some wonderful photos which you’ll all cherish. You could even include them in ‘first look’ photos, if you’re having them.

9. Have back-up!

Especially if young children or babies are involved, try to have back-up––mums, aunties and older children can be especially useful. It’s not the end of the world if you’re holding a crying baby while you exchange your vows, but you’ll be much more relaxed if you can call for help.

10. Warning ....

There’s a reason why the saying “Never work with Children or Animals” has stuck. They are scene stealing and completely unpredictable! But they will also make your special day that much more special.

Agonising over music for your wedding ceremony?

Picking the Right Music for the Right Moment

One of the wedding questions which crops up again and again is “What music do we play at the ceremony?”––especially for the arrival of the bride (processional) and the exit of the now-married! couple after the ceremony (recessional), and for the signing of the documents (interlude). Music is a very personal choice. You may have lists of your favourite romantic songs in your head already. Are there special songs that mean something to both of you?

You could hire sound equipment and play music through your smartphone or via USB; or you could hire a band, a solo musician, DJ, or do whatever gets your feet tapping and your heart racing. As your celebrant I have a PA system that I use for the speaking parts of the ceremony, and it can also be used for music, so this makes for an easy option.

If you’re stuck on finding the right music, iTunes have a Wedding Songs Planner app which is sorted into genres and lists all of the most popular wedding songs. It is great to use for choosing wedding songs quickly and may save you weeks of scrolling through music lists on the internet.

 However you go about it, you will need to think of songs for the different parts of the ceremony. Here is a guide to get you started on the music you will need at different points of your ceremony: 

Background music

Suggestions:  lounge / jazz / classical / fun pop songs / favourite playlists. This can be played at various points in the proceedings:

• as guests arrive at the wedding and are mingling (traditionally known as Prelude music)

• After the ceremony as guests are leaving the wedding site. (Postlude music)

• At particular special points in the ceremony such as the signing of the documents (Interlude music)

Processional Music

To be played as you walk up the aisle.

• Canon in D – Pachelbel

• Flower Duet - Delibes

• Bridal March (Here comes the Bride) – Wagner

• What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong

• Heaven – DJ Sammy (Slow remix)

Recessional Music

To be played as you walk back down the aisle. This is the first music you will hear as a married couple should be happy and celebratory.

• At Last - Etta James or Beyonce

• Can't get enough of your love, Babe  - Barry White

• It Had To Be You - Harry Connick Jr. or Billie Holiday

• How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You  -  James Taylor

• Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Frankie Vali or Muse

• This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) - Natalie Cole

• Wedding March - Mendelssohn

• Ode to Joy - Beethoven

• I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do - Abba

Whatever music you decide on should be a reflection of you as a couple. There are no right or wrong choices. This is YOUR day! And the music you choose will revive wonderful memories whenever you hear it again in the future.

How to write your own wedding vows

The exchanging of vows is the most important part of your wedding ceremony. It is required by law that, at the very least, you vow to take each other as husband/wife. Apart from that you can make whatever promises you choose. The standard vows, and variations, are still popular, but many couples now choose to write their own wedding vows, especially if you are having a non-religious ceremony.

If you want to write your own, where do you begin? Let’s start with what a vow actually is. Here is the dictionary definition:

vow

/vaʊ/

 noun

1.    a solemn promise.

o    

verb

1.

solemnly promise to do a specified thing; e.g. I promise to love you and cherish you.

There are many variations on the traditional vows, including more modern versions, and these pre-written vows can be a good starting point for you when writing your own. Here are a couple of examples:

TRADITIONAL—non-religious: 

I [name] take you [name] to be my husband / wife; to have and to hold from this day forward; for better for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and cherish you always. I promise you this from my heart and for all the days of my life.

MODERN––(1): 

I [name] take you [name] to be my husband / wife. I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow and forever. I will trust you and honour you. I will love you faithfully through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy. Whatever may come I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold, I give you my life to keep. This is my solemn vow to you.

MODERN––(2): 

I [name] take you [name] to be my husband / wife, my friend and my love. To share my life with yours, to build our dreams together, to support you through times of trouble and rejoice with you in times of happiness. I promise to treat you with respect, love and loyalty, through all the trials and triumphs of our life together. This is my solemn vow to you.

***

Now that you have a feel for what is needed, here are some tips for writing your own:

·      Your vows can be as long or as short as you like (though it’s a good idea to keep them reasonably brief and avoid references or in-jokes that your audience won’t understand).

·      You may each write your own vows – they do not have to be the same. And you don’t necessarily have to reveal them to each other prior to the ceremony. (But do run them past your celebrant first to ensure the legal requirements have been met).

·      You need to declare your intention to marry each other. I [name] take you [name] to be my [wife/husband].

·      As these are ‘vows’ you have to vow or promise certain things. e.g. ‘I promise to always love you.’ But you can also make some more light-hearted or personal promises, e.g. ‘I promise to always laugh at your jokes’.

·      You may include some words about what your love means to you, and about your special relationship.

·      You don’t need to be a great writer. Simply say what is in your heart, and your vows will be authentic and sincere.

·      Search the Internet for inspiration––there is lots!

As your celebrant, I like to receive a copy of the vows you have written, before the ceremony. I will print them on attractive, heavy-grade paper (so it doesn’t show if your hands are shaking! And they won’t flap in the wind if we’re outdoors). This is one less thing you have to worry about on the day, and I give them to you as a lovely memento to keep.

Your ceremony words: to be or not to be surprised?

Do you want the wording of  your wedding ceremony to be a surprise, or do you want to know in advance everything your celebrant is going to say?

Your answer to this question probably depends on what kind of people you and your partner are. If you like to be in control and don’t particularly like surprises (even nice ones), then you are probably a couple who want to see and approve a full script of your wedding ceremony before the big day. And that’s fine. But if you are a fan of those OMG moments, if you like the emotional punch of an unexpected turn of words, then maybe a less scripted ceremony is for you.

I say ‘less scripted’ rather than ‘unscripted’ because, as your celebrant, I need to make sure I have my facts right, so the essentials of your story––important names, dates and events––will always be checked. And you have the final say on what you would like me to include in terms of your story as a couple, how you met, what you love about each other, and so on. 

But I’ll tell you why I like to leave room for impromptu moments and that element of surprise: First, you never know what may happen on the day–––a sudden rainstorm, uncooperative page boys and flower girls, your ring-bearing dog runs away with the rings, the guests have had one pre-wedding tipple too many, and so on. Anything can and will happen. A more flexible ceremony means that I can adapt to these events at the spur of the moment, and you and your guests will be none the wiser. You will just think, what an amazing ceremony! 

My aim as your celebrant is to create and deliver a ceremony that is authentic, unique, heartfelt and memorable. And I want you both to be truly moved by this most important moment in your lives. When you have agonised in advance over every word of your ceremony, I believe you do lose some of that emotional impact, those moments that bring laughter to your hearts and tears to your eyes.  So I am happy for you to leave that agonising to me.

Ten point checklist for outdoor weddings

If you’re having your wedding at a beach, park, farm or forest, there may be some extra planning needed, especially if you’re doing the organising yourselves:

1.    Who will set up the hired chairs, signing table, arch and aisle carpet? For a stress-free start to your day, consider recruiting your hire company’s set-up specialists. 
2.    Who will pack down? Do you really want your guests to be dragging chairs and flower-covered arches off the lawn or over the sand dunes? Again, having a team on hand to do moving for you will make for a smooth-running celebration. 
3.    What’s the go with serving food and alcohol? Many beaches or public reserves will have rules against serving booze onsite. Your local council will help with this information,
4.    Love the idea of a beach wedding? Remember to check the tides well in advance of printing your invites – unless you want your guests to be paddling in the shallows while you say “I do”.  Also check where the sun will be. Your photographer will be very grateful!
5.    What will the weather be like for the celebration? You can only know for sure on the day itself – so be sure to have a Plan B in case it’s less than ideal. Even if the weather is fine, crashing waves and wind can be noisy, so a portable, battery-operated, PA system is usually a must, even for a smaller gathering. This can be used for music too.
6.    Is your location easily accessible? Particularly if your vows are taking place in a private or remote location, it pays to consider whether your guests – particularly the older ones – will be able to traverse the beach or bush necessary in order to watch your big moment. A basket of jandals can be handy for guests, or warn them to wear suitable footwear.
7.    If the weather doesn’t come to the party and you’re forced to relocate, how will you let your guests know? Consider setting up an email group before the big day, so you can notify guests of the change with the click of a button. Advise on invitations to check emails if the weather’s looking questionable on the big morning.  
8.    Can you use rose petals? Many venues – particularly outdoor ones – have rules about what you can use. Leaving no rubbish behind you is a given (and it can be good idea to check the location before the ceremony in case other people have left rubbish lying around).
9.    Everyone loves a sunny day, but spare a thought for your guests who could be sitting in the sun for a lengthy duration pre-wedding. If your ceremony is due to kick off in the heat of the day, consider hiring parasols, umbrellas and marquees. And if you’re the bride, try not to be more than 15 minutes late. On time is even better!
10.    Particularly if you have arranged a post-ceremony portrait session, consider what your guests will do during that time. Arranging entertainment – such as a photo booth, a musician or lawn games – will prevent that break in events from dragging out. Or they may need time to change into more formal gear before the reception.

Ten simple steps for your perfect wedding ceremony

 If you’ve decided to get married by an independent celebrant (i.e. not in a church), what do you need to know about planning your ceremony? The good news is, in NZ there are only a few things you absolutely have to do to make your wedding legal, and the rest is up to you. For the legal stuff, you need only yourselves, a licenced celebrant, and two witnesses. And all five of you need to be in the same place (virtual weddings are not allowed). At some point in the ceremony the celebrant needs to use your full names (first name, surname and anything in between), and you each need to say something along the lines of “I take XYZ to be my husband/wife”. Everything else is optional. However, most weddings include a similar progression of familiar rituals.

Here are ten simple steps to get you started on what you may like to include in your own ceremony:

1)                Arrival of guests / groom / groomsmen – Ceremony begins;

2)                Processional – arrival of bride / bridesmaids;

3)                Celebrant’s welcome / opening address;

4)                Reading / poem / song;

5)                Exchange of vows – standard vows or write your own;

6)                Exchange of rings, and/or other rituals such as unity candle, sand ceremony, joining of hands;

7)                Pronouncement – you are now married – KISS!

8)                Signing – signing & witnessing of the legal documents (x2);

9)                Closing remarks / Presentation of you as a married couple;        

10)                  Recessional – bride & groom and attendants walk out.

You can vary this simple format as much as you like: Arrive at the ceremony and walk in together or mingle with your guests beforehand. As many readings, poems or songs as you want, or none at all. Add in some music for the procession, signing and recessional. Don’t want to exchange rings? no problem – it’s not compulsory, and there are alternative rituals if you fancy something else. Involve your children, pets? Jump the broom? Plant a tree? Anything is possible. Your day, your way.

The right celebrant will guide you through all these options to create a ceremony which is perfect for you.